Steve's random and often belligerent Journal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Uncle Steve

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Links
[Links:| [Unconsidered Trifles] [Post a Secret] [The Independent] [BBC News] [Guardian] [BBC photos page] [Cat Town] [Get Human] [The Slant] [The Onion] ]
[Best:| [The Greatest Fantasy Novel Ever Written, etext] [CD: 'Has Been'] [Patricia McKillip] ]
[Food:| [RealGoodTaste Blog] [cocoa-loco] [Artisanduchocolat] ]
[Charity:| [The UK Wolf Conservation Trust] [London Wildlife Trust] [sweet-charity.net] ]
[Misc:| [Why you should support Tibet] [The only link to 'Celtic' history/myth you need] [Chambers' Book of Days] [Awesome online board games shop from Canada] [Maelstrom forums] [Odyssey forums] [Interregnum forums] ]
[My Pages:| [Flickr] [Facebook] [We Heart It] ]
[Wishlist:| [MY WISHLIST!] ]

(no subject) [Dec. 2nd, 2009|04:46 pm]
[Tags|, ]

Saw this a while ago and forgot to pass it on: Hugh Laurie's novel "The Gun Seller" is back in print. £5 on Amazon, spotted for £3 in HMV.

Which is all the more remarkable because apart from being a very enjoyable, surprisingly tense comedy thriller, second-hand copies used to go for very big money when it was out of print.

I didn't expect anything this well-written from Hugh Laurie, it's fun and worth picking up if you haven't already.
Link6 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2009|01:34 pm]
[Tags|, ]

From [info]thessalian on twitter: a comic called Jesus Hates Zombies, this week co-starring Lincoln Hates Werewolves.

They appear to be sitting on the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard. This may be the greatest comic ever.





Edit: And I *still* haven't seen Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

Link10 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Nov. 14th, 2009|04:24 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]

Went to see Jonathan Coulton in concert last night, and it was great. Union Chapel is a pretty amazing venue with great accoustics. The audience participation was a little English and restrained during "Re: Your Brains", but Paul and Storm provided awesome harmonies and banter.

Typical exchange: "This one is a ballad, so it's the kind of thing you can wave lighters to in the chorus. Except since this is Jonathan's audience, just use the lighter app on your iphones." "Wait, is that guy holding up an actual laptop?!" "Okay, wispa bar to the one of several of you with laptops who *writes* an app during this song." "I can see the headlines now - Wispa melee ensues at Coulton concert." "'Wispa Melee' is the name of our Clash tribute band..."

In the end, lit ipod/iphone screens outnumbered actual lighters by a very large margin.

Skullcrusher Mountain was excellent, but the song I loved the most though was one I'd heard ages back and totally forgotten about.

Beltane was an Irish festival marking the first of May, and the beginning of Summer. The story goes that couples (including those who weren't official couples) would head off to the woods and... 'celebrate spring'. Er... in a 'fertility religion'. Going "a-maying" for the "joys of May". You get the idea. Since I (and loads of my friends) do seriously celebrate it as a seasonal festival (where that level of dedication isn't required, although I hear it's popular), Coulton putting the old custom quite as plainly as he does was just hilarious.

WARNING: THIS MUSIC VID IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. IT HAS NAUGHTY WORDS! BUT IT'S FUNNY.



So yes, I got to fulfil a minor ambition and be a zombie at a JoCo concert. Happy :)
Link5 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Nov. 12th, 2009|02:26 am]
[Tags|, , , ]

"Fleggaard" are a Danish company who sell household appliances. A while ago, they made an advert for Germany which was clearly aimed at people who like (sadly silicone) boobies. NSFW! Apparently it got banned and stuff. It was certainly sexist rubbish.

(Not that it didn't work - typical comment: "They sell appliances in Germany. Why can't we sell appliances in the US this way? I would be a toaster-buying MF if one of these girls was selling it.")

So to balance things up a bit, they then made one for everyone who likes men. And I have to admit, while I'm not the target audience, for a 2 min television advert this is absolute genius. In fact, I just watched it again and I'm cracking up laughing. I think it's the all-singing key change that does it. Really, you'll love it.

This one is safe for work - advert starts at 0.40 after an explanation from the company.
Link18 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2009|04:26 pm]
[Tags|, , ]

I love love love that someone made a satellite twitter the Whale's last words from 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' before it crashed into the Moon.
Link3 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Sep. 18th, 2009|06:56 pm]
[Tags|, , ]

"Tesco has been accused of religious discrimination after the company ordered the founder of a Jedi religion to remove his hood or leave a branch of the supermarket in north Wales.

Daniel Jones, founder of the religion inspired by the Star Wars films, says he was humiliated and victimised for his beliefs following the incident at a Tesco store in Bangor.

Tesco said: "He hasn't been banned. Jedis are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods."

"Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever going over to the Dark Side and we are only aware of the Emperor as one who never removed his hood."

"If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers."



That's good, but the responses on the blog are better. First comment includes the words "Sith happens". Second one states that "these aren't the hoods you're looking for". It quickly descends to "Tesco's. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy", "He should boycott Tesco's and shop at the Darth Mall", "But I wanted to go to Tescos to buy some power converters!" etc etc...

Someone also raises the point that it'll be interesting to see if they're consistent in their policy of banning religious headwear, and how do the Muslims, Sikhs and Jews feel about it?
Link7 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Sep. 17th, 2009|11:37 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]

London at night:

London...

More cities viewed from space here. Interestingly, everywhere is orange except for Japan, which is blue-green.

-------

In other news, flickr group joy: "Meerkats in purple hats playing the piano".

"This group is all about celebrating the wide artistic talent and diverse range of creativity that is evident on flickr. We want to see all the best that the photographers on this site have to offer.

There are only 2 simple rules:
1. No porn.
2. The photo must be of a meerkat in a purple hat playing the piano.

REJECTION APPEALS:
If you submit a photo and it is rejected you may post it into the Rejection Appeals thread and receive feedback on why exactly it didn't quite fit the group.

In 99.9% of cases it will probably be that the photo is not of a meerkat in a purple hat playing the piano."


They're absolutely serious. There are only 13 photos, by different people, all ACTUALLY OF meerkats in purple hats playing the piano. I love it.


In this thread they argue about whether a particular photo really qualifies, since on magnification it appears that it could in fact be of a Platypus playing the harpsichord.

There is also a regular competition. The most recent is to provide a photo of a Meerkat in a purple hat playing the piano accompanied by a Hungarian on the kazoo.

"Would a meercat in a purple hat playing the piano qualify for this contest if it weren't accompanied by a Hungarian, but was playing Franz Liszt (albeit poorly?)"

"I am glad you have asked that as it's a very good point and so we can clarify this straight away and prevent any confusion.

If there were no actual Hungarian present but the creature was playing Franz Liszt then the Meerkat itself would also have to have the kazu in its mouth and sound a note upon it within each bar of music.

It would also have to submit the details of two independent witnesses (both with clean driving licenses) that could personally vouch for the quality of hand stitching in the meerkat's trousers."
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2009|11:55 am]
[Tags|, , , ]

Quite right. Nothing good ever came of the vileness that is peanut butter.

Link9 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Aug. 24th, 2009|11:43 am]
[Tags|]

From BBC news, the top 10 best jokes from the Edinburgh fringe:

1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."


The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe:

Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's Bad."
Link5 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Aug. 21st, 2009|10:54 am]
[Tags|, ]

I love @DrSamuelJohnson 's updates on Twitter.


DrSamuelJohnson: Inspired by Mister Usain BOLT, I have resolv'd to take up ATHLETICKS. To Mister ASHLEY'S Sports Direct for spik'd Shoes!

DrSamuelJohnson: Sports Direct appears to be a ghastly Wharf-House, pack'd with Harlequin-colour'd RAGS for the lower ORDERS

DrSamuelJohnson: I ask Mister ASHLEY, barrel-shap'd Proprietor, for athletick Guidance. The blubbery FOOL proffers a 'replickat'd Shirt'

DrSamuelJohnson: Inexplickable! Fool ASHLEY sells Garb for the Crowd, not for the Athlete. I flee, clutching a Black & White strip'd RAG

DrSamuelJohnson: I am clad in Artisan spik'd CLOGS, a shiny Black & White RAG crest'd "New-Castle" and my Tricorn HAT securely fasten'd

DrSamuelJohnson: I head to CROYDON, athletick Jewel in London's CROWN. I carry a Musket, which I shall fire to inaugurate the Race

DrSamuelJohnson: I squat 'pon a Cinder-Track, poised to run. I blast my Musket skyward & take off like a HARE.

DrSamuelJohnson: One hundred Yards at Speed do fairly cause my Lungs to BURST. I light my Pipe & take a draft of calming LAUDUNUM.

DrSamuelJohnson: The Bow Street Runners have arriv'd. Apparently my Laudunum, Musket & athletick Clothing do disturb the PEACE.

DrSamuelJohnson: A sorry Sight; tricorn HAT askew, spik'd Clogs lost, Membrum lolling athwart my Black & White RAGS from Sports-Direct

------

I think my favourite so far was when he described Kerry Katona as a "portly slattern"...
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Aug. 9th, 2009|09:27 am]
[Tags|, , ]

Best quote from "Mock the Week":

"Peter Mandelson is a Lord! Who the hell made him a Lord - the Sith?!"
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2009|07:27 pm]
[Tags|, ]

I'm going through boxes that haven't been opened for years, and on a cd I burned (before DVD burners were available for PCs) I found a copy of a page which isn't on the internet anymore. So I shall share it with you now.

HOW TO PLAY THE BLUES: a beginners guide.

1 - Arrange for your 'woman' to have 'done gone and left you'.
Preferably when you 'woke up this mo'nin'.

2 - As a result of step 1, drink a quantity of whisky[1] that is completely disproportionate to your body weight. Not only does this assist in getting into the right state of mind to play 'da blooz' (as opposed to 'the blues'), it also gives your voice a quality nescessary for this style of music. Should you have failed in step 1, carrying out step 2 first can also be of help here.

3 - Go down to 'the crossroads' and sell your soul to the devil in exchange for arcane musical knowledge. If you don't live within a convenient distance of a crossroads, simply watch a whole episode of the bafflingly popular (old) UK soap opera 'Crossroads' as a suitable alternative - either option is equally satanic and evil.

4 - Pick up the nearest musical instrument. If you don't have any musical instruments to hand, or are unable to obtain one due to the effects of step 2, simply pick up the nearest available object that makes any sort of noise at all. Now express your inner pain to all those present[2] in any way that you are capable, preferably in stanzas of approximately 12 bars. You are now 'playin da blooz'.

*Important*: Ignore any protests from blues 'purists' at this stage who insist that blues can only be played on a guitar or harmonica - what do they know of the 'hard times an' suff'rin' that true bluesmen go through? Should they complain of the hard times and suffering that you are putting their eardrums through, simply nod wisely and say "But ain't dat the truth though, brother?", then drink more whisky and carry on regardless. The blues purist(s) will:

A) Agree with you and wonder why they didn't realise this before.

B) Go away.

C) Remain in your company and continue to complain, but you won't care because of the whisky you are drinking.

Remember: ain't no-one understands the pain you is goin' through.[3] This is important.

5 - Travel widely playing your blues to anyone who will listen, and even to those who won't. Make love to as many women as possible. While this will bring temporary relief from your world of torment, the resulting sexually transmitted diseases you will acquire as the result of sleeping with the kind of women who have casual sex with travelling musicians will only fuel your pain, both spiritual and physical.

6 - Get discovered by a music academic who will want to record your 'folk music' for posterity. Agree, as long as he provides the means to obtain more whisky and loose women. Should your recorded output get picked up by an exploitative record company (aka 'the man'), you will only retain your musical credibility should your record enter and leave the chart at number 38 - in the year 1938.

7 - Die 'before yo' time, all on yo' lonesome'. Possibly, again, as a result of step 2, or occasionally step 5. Be criminally ignored for many, many years, apart from a cult following of spotty faced youths who will be born after you die who will proclaim you a genius. Your ignored talent then stands a good chance of being used as the soundtrack in an advert in a medium that wasn't even conceivable during your lifetime. You can then spin at about 50,000 rpm in your (unmarked) grave for all eternity while 'the man' makes a fortune from the sales of your records, not even giving you the chance to find everlasting peace[4] after death.

Congratulations! You are now a true 'blues legend'. May God have mercy on your soul - whatever the devil did with it after you sold it to him.


[1] - Or, if you can get it, 'moonshine'.

[2] - Even if it's just your dog, if he hasn't done and gone and left you like your woman done gone and done. This mo'nin.

[3] - Except perhaps 'yo' woman'. But she 'done gone and left you', so this is of no comfort whatsoever. No-one said that playing the blues was easy.

[4] - Though if you made a *really* good job of being a bluesman, you should have gone to hell anyway.
Link3 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Jul. 31st, 2009|12:30 pm]
[Tags|, , ]

Comedian Richard Herring politely and calmly kicks the shit out of the lazy hack who implied he was racist and/or fascist.

Nicely done.

On another forum somebody made a serious post about whether the forum itself was really needed, since it wasn't very constructive. In reply, someone else posted a picture of a happy duck. That duck is so damn happy. And then others posted various other happy animals, and an EmoDuck.

The debate as to whether the forum is needed continues with some hostility, but my day is better for having seen a truly Happy Duck.

SmugDuck knew it would be, of course. But if there's one thing I've learnt from this, it's that nobody needs a Smug Duck.


Cool appraisal
Originally uploaded by Steve B, UK

Link1 comment|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Jul. 30th, 2009|10:00 pm]
[Tags|, ]

[info]yuki_onna is writing a story about Vampires.

"I should definitely not write it in the voice of a 16 year old girl. Like, with whatever and stuff and I was all oh my god you did not. That's a bad idea."

[info]justbeast: That's a terrible idea. Please don't.

"Ok, so that's a bad idea."
*researches vampire folklore, cracks up laughing*
I yell upstairs to justbeast : "Dude, in Slavic culture? Like literally everything will turn you into a vampire. Even being born on the wrong day. Or having red hair. Or eating improperly killed meat."


Regarding the title:

"What is more perfect for this than finding some overwrought goth/metal lyric? Lame teenagers love lame lyrics! Reader, I was not prepared for the level of lameness that wading through The Cure, Marilyn Manson, Bauhaus, Morrissey, and fucking My Chemical Romance for two hours held in store. Holy shit that stuff is bad. Morrissey is by far the most tolerable, and I eventually found something I kind of like there, but still. MCR is like the worst ever: BLOOD BLOOD DEATH BITCH YOU BROKE UP WITH ME RED ROSES AND BLOOD. LOLZ."

She's unhappy that the urge to make this particular tale is so strong:

I have to keep writing it. It's a fucking 'I was a teenage vampire' story and I have to keep writing it.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Jul. 15th, 2009|09:19 am]
[Tags|, ]

Greenman Review rips into the Vol.1 compendium of the "Witchblade" comics:

"Some stories are merely bad - dull, uninspired, or simply misformed. Others are bad in entertaining ways - bad movies, outsider art, and demented pulp fiction. Some (comics) are so horrible that it's physically painful to read them, such as the work of Rob Liefeld. And then there's Witchblade."

"Artist Michael Turner ... became a hugely popular sensation from this series, proving one last time that this is an inescapably fallen world and we are all prisoners of a demented demiurge."

The series depicts "the mature and thoughtful sexuality of a hydrocephalic twelve-year-old boy raised by rats at the bottom of a well".

Fun review :) Better not tell him there's a movie due out this year...
Link16 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Jul. 9th, 2009|02:17 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]

Pope Palpatine Benedict is just a comedy machine. Here are some lines from his latest, which are being taken by many to refer to modern neopaganism amongst other things (a top dislike of his):

“There are certain religious cultures in the world today that do not oblige men and women to live in communion but rather cut them off from one other in a search for individual well-being, limited to the gratification of psychological desires. Furthermore, a certain proliferation of different religious “paths”, attracting small groups or even single individuals, together with religious syncretism, can give rise to separation and disengagement. One possible negative effect of the process of globalization is the tendency to favour this kind of syncretism by encouraging forms of “religion” that, instead of bringing people together, alienate them from one another and distance them from reality. At the same time, some religious and cultural traditions persist which ossify society in rigid social groupings, in magical beliefs that fail to respect the dignity of the person, and in attitudes of subjugation to occult powers. In these contexts, love and truth have difficulty asserting themselves, and authentic development is impeded. For this reason, while it may be true that development needs the religions and cultures of different peoples, it is equally true that adequate discernment is needed. Religious freedom does not mean religious indifferentism, nor does it imply that all religions are equal.”


Now, I can't give a direct translation of most of that into what he's really saying, because I'd have to invert every single statement so it matches reality. The short version would be that everything he accuses “smaller” religions of – the rigidity, magical beliefs, failure to respect the dignity of individuals – is exactly how a large number of people view Catholicism. But let's compare in more detail for a moment:

Neopaganism involves far less 'subjugation to occult powers', in my opinion. In fact, the idea that we as humans are not worthy and should unhesitatingly give thanks and praise to a perfect deity is deliberately avoided - rather most paths encourage working with the concept of deity in an experiential way. "Discernment" is critical, unlike some branches of Catholicism which instead extol faithful obedience to pre-written rules.

In fact, unquestioningly trusting 'faith' in that way is very much about "gratification of psychological desires", while neopaganism deliberately encourages you to be aware, ask questions, challenge yourself psychologically, and rely on your own experience rather than the words of others.

Most paths of neopaganism have no figure at the top who is infallible and the head of a hierarchy. There may be teachers and leaders of small groups, but they usually earn their place by knowing a lot and having experience, as well as giving up their time to teach others. Individual freedom and consent are paramount (no wonder the Pope hates it).

“In these contexts, love and truth have difficulty asserting themselves, and authentic development is impeded.”

Funnily enough, “love and truth” are concepts very much focused on in many paths of neopaganism, with a specific view towards personal development. Knowing yourself more fully, exploring yourself and multiple ideas about the universe.

I am not aware of how the Pope would like us all to ‘develop’, unless it is entirely according to the rules of his Church. Having more faith in God, and only asking questions so as to lead to a greater understanding …of the Roman Catholic God, seems to be the way of it.

Now, I know that some branches of Christianity are more relaxed, and that others do encourage you to question. But for every Alpha Course there’s an Opus Dei, and this is the Pope we’re talking about. Hearing him lecture liberal new religions on rigidity and hierarchy is just high comedy.
Link4 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2009|10:22 pm]
[Tags|, , ]

"She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't."

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is a literary parody contest to find the worst opening sentence to an imaginary novel. 2009 results are just announced:

"Darnell knew he was getting hung out to dry when the D.A. made him come clean by airing other people's dirty laundry; the plea deal was a new wrinkle and there were still issues to iron out, but he hoped it would all come out in the wash - otherwise he had folded like a cheap suit for nothing."

"Towards the dragon's lair the fellowship marched -- a noble human prince, a fair elf, a surly dwarf, and a disheveled copyright attorney who was frantically trying to find a way to differentiate this story from "Lord of the Rings."
Link5 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Jul. 3rd, 2009|08:50 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]

A really, really GREAT piece of online cinema (winner of the Machinima filmfest 2008 award for best long-format). Quirky UK dialogue and great Half-life 2 / Eve Online graphics.

Clear Skies.

The quality is much better on the surprisingly quick 450mb download here.


For a quicker fix, here's What Warcraft characters do in their time off.
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2009|06:15 pm]
[Tags|, ]

From [info]mevennen: Pride and Prejudice meets Freestyle Disco. Genius.



ALSO:

I'd forgotten how much I love The Ditty Bops.
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2009|12:35 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]

[info]minnesattva says:

"I have one of those page-a-day calendars that says it’s about “Forgotten English,” a Christmas present from [info]lostpositive. At the bottom of today’s page it says:

~ In The English Husbandman (1635), Gervase Markham advised, "In this month of July, eschew all wanton bed-sports." ~

If they followed this advice, a lot of my friends would suddenly have a lot more free time... "

------------

I just love the phrase "wanton bed-sports".
Link3 comments|Leave a comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]