Allow me to be the first to say, "Dude, you're awesome". I don't know if poly would be right for me (to be fair, I've never tried), but I do see the benefits, and you have discussed the bonuses and drawbacks to that way of living and loving far better than I ever could. It's courageous and wonderful and I wish you all the best.
While the mainstream media (and to some extent society) is beoming more accepting of polyamory, there is still a lot of misunderstanding and mistrust of people in such relationships as my poly friends encounter only too often.
As you say, if you and yours can make it work, why the hell shouldn't you!
Very interesting. I've been thinking along such lines- I have been a non-standard person chasing non-standard people expecting a standard relationship and being upset when it can't happen. And have a fluctuating number of intimate friendships that seemingly can't go further because of apparent gravity/neediness/limitation. And I just recently realised that everything I thought I knew sexuality/relationships beyond a + b = babies is total conditioning and contrivance.
For the record I am one of those people; I am married but I am also in a M/W relationship setup and have found most of what you say here commonplace, yes, but very well laid-out and very useful. I see here my own strengths and weaknesses, things I have to get better about and things that remind me why I am glad I do it. I'm glad you wrote this.
In the tradition of my replies, I have to start with something that could be mistaken for humour in a bad light. So...
...How DARE you suggest that my love isn't finite???!!!
Aaaand that said - good to hear you're happy, and it's kinda odd to see you doing an extended 'rant' about, essentially, joy. It's awesome that this is such a part of your life that you feel moved to expound upon it :)
You guys are the very best relationship I know :) Don't think for a second I meant anything to do with poly is *superior* to mono, 'cos I didn't.
Yeah, didn't mean it to be a rant but it's useful to me to get some of the typical first questions down clearly. And then LJ habit took over and I wrote ten pages :)
Allow me to pimp Polyday? September 26th. Be there or be....ummmm.... monogamous? Are you going to be able to make it?
And on to your post...
"You don’t get someone ‘to yourself’"
Meh. Quibble. I think you can, within primary & mutual girlfriend/boyfriend relationships. I'm aware that Ben and I are slightly unusual, in that our girlfriends date us as a couple, not individually, but it does mean that a lot of the security a very intimate monogamous relationship provides can be present too. See my diagram :-P
"Two hot bi- babes who are just looking for a straight guy to be in a triad with is called a “Unicorn” by some, because it doesn’t goddamn exist in reality."
Allow me to disagree :-P
"you will have no free time. Ever. Your weekends will be booked up months in advance, and Christmas will bankrupt you."
Arrrrgh, yes. The solution is of course, google calendar, which is amazing and allows various sharing settings etc. "Polyamory: Sponsored by Google" :)
Also, I do reccommend this book... it's Very Good. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1248683005&sr=8-3
Hugs; glad you & yours are doing well :-D
I'm aware of Polyday (and on lists with the people organising it!) From reports of last year's, it sounds excellent.
>>"You don’t get someone ‘to yourself’"
This was in response to someone who said "but I could never do it because I'd want X all to myself". In their case, any other relationship their partner had would be unacceptable - and fair enough, if that's how they're built. I agree that it's a paradox mindset, and there is no reduction in how much they are entirely yours even when they are seeing others, but I wanted to illustrate the problem rather than go into why it doesn't actually matter :)
Not often ENOUGH. Bah. Ahem.
And anyway, you're awesome and officially Doing It Right.
I have google calendar, yes :) And it tells me I'm busy on the 15th of August! Aargh! Aargh!
Thank you for the book link, hope to see you soon xx
Thank you, just thank you. May I bookmark this? It's almost as if you've been in my head *g*
Of course you can bookmark it! I kinda wrote it so that I'd have one post to refer people to, and the basics do seem to be similar for everyone I've talked to :)
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that people have to be wired for it. Despite your comments above, I have serious doubts about the depth of romantic longing, sheer crazy mania, heart-rending, pulsing, world-defying devotion possible in a poly relationship. It could be that I did it wrong (Insert lolcat here).
I doubt the longevity of poly relationships. Therefore I consider them to be a non-maximal solution for raising children. Children like a stable situation in which they know what'll happen from one day to the next. They grow and learn better under those circumstances. I believe your polyamorist meme will die out with the genes of the people who carry it. It's an oddity that has sprung up at a very particular point in history when a lot of people from broken families are living in a world of infinite variety, but this will not long be the case, and so much for polyamory.
But I could be wrong, and under other circumstances I could have the temperament for it, but I do not believe that it promotes wealth and long-term wellbeing. What irritates me is that it's exactly the values of most polyamorists that I'd like to see promoted, so I'd rather you had lots of successful children, please.
You are a very strange man :)
I know people in poly marriages, many with babies, and a fair few in early-days relationships. The proportion seems to be exactly the same as in mono relationships.
My poly meme has been going for many years before I came along, and if society continues to make progress towards the bigger prejudices (homophobia, racism) I think the acceptance of non-traditional setups will be increase too. We're already seeing it - marriage is way down, divorce is about the same as it was proportionate to the lower marriage, and more people are choosing what they actually want.
We could regress into a rigid strata of what is conservatively socially acceptable, but I hope we don't.
Poly is as dependable and reliable as normal relationships and marriage. Children require more commitment, and marriages can break down. (I suspect they do less in poly, the 'you're all I'll ever have ever and it's not enough' pressure isn't there).
I'm not sure it does promote 'wealth'. That's not its goal. It certainly seems to promote long-term wellbeing in those who feel pushed to seek out the alternative approach.
A great summary of polyamory.
It's not for me. I realised that years ago when I first stumbled across it, in a rumoured "hotbed of bedhopping" amongst Cambridge students.
Intrigued, I did nothing about it anyway as Cambridge was a bit far to go for a shag (if you'll forgive the crudeness - I was young!). But as I inevitably bumped into friends-of-friends from Cambridge I found that as I got to know a few poly people it wasn't as the rumours portrayed it. It was as you've described it.
The acceptance of poly comes from actually speaking to poly people about their lifestyle, rather than accepting rumours at face value.
(And the worst advert for poly is, of course, those that thought they were ready for it but weren't, and are now disgusted and angry because of it. I've only ever met one of those, but he was a total tool... Both before and after poly, by all accounts.)
As someone who has the emotional intelligence and maturity of a beetroot seed, I quickly decided that poly wasn't for me. It's rare that I can find one person who will put up with me, and I seem to be firmly monogamous anyway.
However, if I find myself lost for words to describe poly, I shall probably point people this way... :-)
I've found quite a lot about poly that you're either built for or not. I regard neither poly or monogamy as 'better' than the other, and people should definitely do whatever feels natural.
Please point people to the post, needing a summary post seems to be a recurring theme in conversations I've had so that's exactly what I intend to use it for :)
New point so new reply. I would like to maybe dispute this point a little?
There’s no jealousy (if you’re doing it right, and are built for it in the first place.)
Jealousy comes from two things: wanting the attention or items someone else is getting, and/or feeling that someone else is a threat.
If you’re doing poly right, everyone will be reassured that a new person is not a threat. (If anything, this is the main area that poly makes much easier.)
This is a lovely ideal. Really, it is. But it is an ideal that is so frequently perpetuated that it has a very bad effect sometimes... it makes people feel bad for an emotion they have. They feel like bad little poly people because of it.
Let me explain. I love my relationships, but in *every* relationship, you are always in some way a little jealous. Of nothing, more often than not. But jealousy *happens*.
Prior to meeting me and Ben, one of our girlfriends was in a triad relationship. She occasionally got jealous of the attention and romance the newest partner got. She and her boyfriend were living together, so they ended up doing a lot of mundane stuff; cooking, cleaning, collapsing in front of the tv *as well as* some wonderfully romantic stuff. Living, basically. Their new girlfriend, though, only got taken to dinner, romanced, etc. Let me point out now that there was *nothing* wrong with either of these situations happening. They were doing it right, in my opinion. But it made her become slightly jealous that the new girlfriend was constantly surrounded by romance and she wasn't.
So, she spoke about it. New girlfriend who had been in poly relationships before totally understood, funnily enough. They talked through it, formed ways to try to stop it. The boyfriend however, was horrified. He informed her that jealousy had no place in a poly relationship and that she should get herself sorted out sharpish.
I'm so scared of the "In poly relationships, there is no jealousy" mantra. It implies that if you do feel jealousy you're not doing it right. It makes people scared to talk about it, to admit to it. Which makes it more of a problem than if they were to say "I feel jealous because of this very valid reason" or even "I feel jealous and I know it is totally irrational, but I still do, can we find a way to make it stop, please?". It makes people doubt that they are capable of a poly relationship.
Jealousy isn't good, but it is practically unavoidable. We have been very, very lucky and avoided any major problems because of it (also, our girlfriends are quite good at talking about it), but are very aware that it will exist on occasion. Developing ways in which to deal with it is much better than reciting the mantra and occasionally actually helps as opposed to harming.
I've always thought of jealousy as the flip-side of caring. That said, I am a very jealous person, so I'm going to stand up for it, much maligned and "ugly" emotion that it is. If you love someone, if you want to spend time with them, you are bound to get jealous if you can't or if you feel that things aren't being "fair". It's like being sad when something bad happens - not a nice emotion, but perfectly natural and something that should be addressed and dealt with in a "you feel bad, how can I help?" rather than a "you feel bad, stop it" sense.
Love this post. And here was you thinking you wouldn't have anything to write for that little mutual project...
I go backwards and forwards with poly. Obviously I am currently in a technically poly relationship, but I know where my heart feels right and I know where it doesn't. Sometimes you have to chuck yourself in to find out though. I found some things easier than others, and having more than one "special" person around to confide in, to mess around with, to go out to dinner with was fantastic. However, trying to maintain that level was difficult. I always felt, deep down, as if I wasn't giving either of them enough, that I wanted to give both parties everything, rather than just some.
I'll chip in on the "having X to myself" comments, which are connected. Also because I think it was me that said that to you. It's a personal feeling, and I think it's got a lot to do with the hardwired for certain types of relationships. I like simplicity and clarity, and I'm not saying that poly can't be clear (communicate, communicate and communicate) but it *is* complex. It's all the complexities of one whole-hearted sexually and emotionally fulfilling relationship multiplied by the people in it. And all their moods, time comittments, day-to-day stuff on top.
So there's that, but there's also a gut reaction. If someone is with someone else, by definition, they can't just be *mine*. Sometimes I will have to compromise. Sometimes I will have to give up time with them, sometimes they will not be there for me. I want to be everything to someone, them to be everything to me. And sure, you can throw in the comment about work, family, blah-de-blah getting in the way of that, but those things are not the same as another "proper" relationship. It is different, and it is something I can find difficult. Nothing's perfect.
At heart, I guess I will always be something of a boy-meets-girl-and-they-pick-curtains type of person. I'm still experimenting with that, though. Probably more in the boy-meets-girl-and-they-go-out-and-muck-around-with-other-people. I want a relationship, then some icing on the cake. Not really poly, I guess.
Do I have a point? Maybe. I have always valued your impressions and thoughts on all of this, you've helped me sort through a lot, and I'll love you to bits for that, and for other things besides. I guess that really there just isn't one way of doing things, and if we are going to try and be realistic about life, the universe and everything, assuming that every person in the world would have the same sort of love-life is absurd. Like expecting every woman in the world to only want one pair of shoes. Not that men are like shoes, I hasten to add. But some do go better with certain outfits than others.
It's you. You're doing something that works for you. It's fair, honest and open. You're working hard to make it so. Fuck the unbelievers. Be happy.
Edited at 2009-07-27 11:43 am (UTC)
>> This statement will make most of you assume a lot about those relationships (and probably about me) but much of that will be wrong. So I thought I’d write a bit about something which has become important to me.
You don't have to justify it, Tyrell. Anyone that has spent more than ten seconds on the internet's social networking sites is familiar with the "o hai, im poly nao" genre.
>> Poly is hard work, but worth it many times over . . . It has all of the positives of monogamy, ditches many of the drawbacks, and the only thing you have to be able to compromise on is calendar time.
There is a physics to the emotional lives of men and women. With respect to stable structures, if it has a front, it has a back; and the bigger the front, the bigger the back. I'm not saying monogamy is better, generally or specifically, but I doubt your equation here is accurate. Nowhere, except temporarily and for specific reasons, does Nature permit excessive positive charges to outweigh negatives. You may be quite correct that the calendar time factor is the only compensatory negative and sufficient to balance the overwhelming positives you state. But then, it may also be that you are quite wrong, and that you are not capable or not yet capable of seeing the other compensatory negatives.
>> As to the general stuff, poly is becoming more mainstream.
How did Mum and Da (or other immediate family) react when you told them? Or is that a false assumption on my part? I can speak only from my own narrow experience . . . that when I am in a serious romantic relationship and overflowing with love and joy, I want my immediate family to know.
This isn't so much to justify it as to let people know my current situation, and head off some of the immediate assumptions. Most of the people who would care read my LJ but no other social sites, and don't run with the same crowd :)
You're quite right about calendar time not being the only payoff in order to gain other positives. I think it's quite complex, and each of the relationships are different to mono relationships in myriad small ways. I'm also not trying to paint one choice over the other - poly is not 'greater' overall in any way. It concentrates on some aspects more intensely, and trades off on others. So yes, I agree completely.
I told Mum and Dad before posting this, but haven't had much of a reponse yet. I think they'll be fine :)
That explains previous earlier posts this year :)
I don't understand it (well, intelectually I do of course!) and it isn't for me, considering I chose to get married in a catholic church yet. I can deal with other people doing it though it is *strange* for me to know one side of the couple and then be with them both when one is with another partner. Or know people with an open relationship which they forgot to mention that puts me in the position of omfg what do I tell the other person? (because you know, I'd have to tell them... Who actually knows anyway and doesn't care.... hmmm.
Anyway, I consider myself mostly pagan and it's not up to me how other people spend their time. I do find it's the pagans I know that do this ;)
I was going to reply to another post with how do you haev the tiem to do photography? *jealous* but now I need to ask that with added exclamation marks :)
Hats off to you. I have an absolute respect for the scrupulous honesty with which you deal with your emotional and sexual needs. It’s rare.
As someone who has tried the long-term monogamous path (including marriage), I can say that it has been an unmitigated disaster. My partners were not honest about their ability to commit within that framework (just don’t make the bloody vows then), or indeed, their gender preferences or other sexual inclinations. Fair enough. Some people go through a long process whereby this self-discovery is a slowly emerging realisation. The dynamic of being with a particular partner may be the catalyst that enlightens. That’s not a crime. What is a crime is where there is a history of such self-repression and a person continues to try to fit themselves into a relationship mould that just won’t work – polyamorous or monogamous. That’s dishonest. Self knowledge is key. And communication.
I must admit that where I have little emotional engagement with someone and it’s just sheer lust and liking, then I would have no problem “sharing” them with another, as long as rules about safe sex were adhered to – and, my, what a trust issue that is. But where feelings run deeper, I would have problems. As you and others on this thread state, it’s a difficult line to walk when one partner feels undervalued and overlooked, with all the romantic gestures being heaped upon another. The worst scenario is to be slowly manipulated into a (mostly “quasi”) polyamorous situation. Men have tried that one and I have seen other women unhappily trying to accommodate it rather than lose their love. I won’t. It’s dishonourable.
Relationships are complex at the best of times, and I’m not sure it’s always about other people either. My partners often felt betrayed by me. My amour was not another man, but my art. It demanded my attentions, gave me huge joy while I engaged with it and took me away from home for long periods of time. I needed it as much as I needed them. While they were busy cultivating secret sexual relationships behind my back, they overtly took me to task for loving my job too much!
Despite your own (rare, you know) holistic attitudes to women, I think it’s fair to say there is an interesting gender dynamic within relationships, particularly where children are involved. Certainly, in cases where long-term, monogamous relationships have survived, I would say that 90% of those I know have entailed the woman taking on the traditional role of home-keeper and full-time parent while the man continues with his career. It’s a choice that many women are happy to make. But many more are not and have been disappointed with the level of fulfilment that such an arrangement provides. Even where there are no children, the male’s career has had primary consideration. How many women do you know have supported their partner and his career by uprooting themselves and following him around the world? How many men have done the same for the women in their lives? I know of only one couple where the latter is the case.
This may seem like a deviation from the topic, but I’m asking lots of questions of myself about relationships and creative freedom at the moment, and trying to be honest with some of the uncomfortable answers. I haven’t come to any conclusions. Nevertheless, I’m asking polyamorous women out there – does polyamory give you a wider range of personal choices, and if doing so, is there not a danger of becoming a categorisation? This one’s for domestic use, this one is for intellectual stimulus!
In relation to this, what do you do if you really dislike one of your partner’s lovers, that you consider their values to be warped, or that they are manipulative or stupid or cruel? There is never any guarantee that your partner will not passionately desire someone of this ilk. We’ve all done it! Would this not throw some confusing issues into the mix about the qualities that you possess, and whether you are simply compensatory rather than complementary?
Brain hurty. Time for tea.
You give up things for poly, and other people directly gain. If that balance isn't restored by you taking other actions to make things equal, someone is going to feel bad. A permanently imbalanced dynamic only works if that's all the one losing out wants from you.
*Manipulating* mono people into poly is evil. I've started something with someone new to poly, but I was seeing another partner at the time and stated everything up front. It might be new and hard to deal with for them, but they knew I wasn't single and where the boundaries were going to be. That allows for consent, and no lying. Honour (and honesty) is *critical*. It may be that they eventually choose not to continue with poly, that they find some points they can't deal with. We're still finding out, but it won't be because I hid any aspect of it.
Women giving up freedom when children enter the picture isn't a deviation from the topic :) Children change everything. So does living together, and marriage. Poly is still possible in all those setups, but it has to change. You always have responsibilities to others in poly, but children become a point that can't be compromised on, and everything else has to fit around it.
I know poly couples who won't take on a new person unless all the partners like them and agree, even if they're not directly connected. The question of why your partner would want someone with those values (and whether they feel you lack them) isn't one I'd thought of! Great stuff!
I think you're really underestimating the people who read your journal if you think any of us were judging you negatively for this!
Well, not YOU lot, because obviously you rock :) But believe me, for what could be just a minor issue polyamory pushes a lot of people's buttons.
A little like the word pagan, it's assumed you're immature and/or immoral. There's quite a range of folks on my LJ too, I'm still expecting some very dissenting viewpoints :)
In my humble opinion, I think as long as people are honest with each other, it doesn't matter if they date a lot, a little, have marriages with multiple people, sex with multiple people, and so on. As long as no one is forced into it, and again, as long as honesty is in total, who cares what other people do? I love it that you are happy and honest about it all. Then, that leaves the other person with a choice to make. They can make their own decisions based on the truth, instead of basing it on a lie.
Kudos to you. Yet another reason I adore you.
Interested to see your piece here. I have been in a non-standard, fully consensual relationship myself in the past and it is very difficult to explain to people in a way that they can accept. In the end, for us, it didn't work as we began to want different things which were unltimately not compatible but for a while it was great.
May I point a couple of people at this? It's very good! How do you have the energy to write after such a busy weekend?!
PS- RE: Triads - "yes it does happen" - yes, yes it does (and it's fun) ;)
Yep, this is here for the pointing to :)
It was great to meet you! And I didn't get sunburnt, which is a miracle.
Here's a topic I didn't think I'd ever be giving my thoughts on! It's a very thought-provoking post, and I'm glad you wrote it :)
I'm not wired for poly. I know this and I'm OK with it. I know other people are, and that's fine with me too. I admire your honesty and your candour about it, and that's what I find so thought-provoking.
My issue with sharing my partner with others has always been that I have missed out in some way. With one it was being told I was his "one and only" while he was off with other people. My major issue with this was the fact that he lied. In fact, neither of us were honest about what we wanted from that relationship. I wanted a fling and was uncomfortable that he said he wanted a serious relationship. He really wanted to date as many people as he possibly could and to keep all of us at arm's length (he said 3 weeks between dates is ideal to prevent forming bonds).
This is why I find the honesty aspect of poly so interesting. It is so easy to be dishonest in a relationship and not to ask for what you really need.
The second thing that strikes me is equality. My most recent relationship became a problem because he felt the need to shut me out in order to bond with this other woman. He devalued and sabotaged our relationship in order to strengthen theirs, and while he was with her (emotionally or physically - he wouldn't tell me if he fucked her) he was "getting a lot" out of it and I was losing out as I had nobody. He was ultimately being incredibly selfish and satisfying his own needs without being honest with me about what his needs were or addressing mine.
This is why I find the compassion aspect of poly so interesting. Because I could cope with him having a close female friend (hell, in my religion he has to cope with me being naked with men he may never meet and be OK with trusting me to keep my boundaries). What I couldn't handle was him insisting that there was no boundary to *his* friendship and it could become sexual. That was something we could not agree on and he would not compromise.
The biggest problems for me in any relationship are double standards, lack of honesty, communication and compassion. This is as much a problem in a mono relationship as in any other set up because ultimately someone (in this case me) is being treated unfairly and is getting hurt. If you're covering all those bases, regardless of what kind of relationship(s) you're in then maybe you're doing it right. :)
I will add that something that has struck me most surprisingly is how the openness and talking things through is offputting. Somewhere in my heart there's a little voice saying that talking everything through, being utterly transparent, getting the PDA out with a lover to book in some free time.... all of that seems utterly unromantic.
That's something for me to take away from this and think about... is it possible to get carried away with the romance and mystery of a relationship whilst still attending to the mechanical details?
is it possible to get carried away with the romance and mystery of a relationship whilst still attending to the mechanical details?
Yes, because once you've done the careful planning to get the two of you to a romantic dinner or whatever, then you're there with the other person and it's as romantic as ever.
The planning takes getting used to (especially since it often includes the implication "I can't see you that night because I'm sleeping with someone else") but what really proves it to you is doing it for a while. When you've seen that it works, that it's just the same as normal and that the intimacy and romance isn't reduced, then you believe it :)
Sharing a partner, you do miss out. Mostly on time and availability. If he's not lying scum, you don't get any of the other drawbacks you've mentioned. You get different positive benefits, mostly the ability to fill those gaps in the calendar with someone else you care about!
I think a lot of the problems you talk about here are the same in mono and poly, and nothing to do with the inherent structure of either. Not being honest is bad whatever your setup is, and and not wanting to commit when your partner wants and expects it is also a stumbling block. (If everyone is agreed to keep it casual from the start, fair enough.)
I've been lucky, in that the poly partners I've had who arrange things by PDA make it very clear that it IS romantic. They're either obviously delighted to have set a date to see me, or sexily precise about organising it and the things they thoroughly intend to do then. Calculating can be sexy when there's a strong will and attraction behind it :)
I have another thought too - what are your thoughts on people who say "monogamy is OK with the right partner"?
The implication here is that someone will continue to pursue other interests *unless* their primary partner sweeps them off their feet and makes them forsake all others.
This could just be my cynical interpretation. It's a required field in a dating website I'm on, and if I see "with the right person" I read it as "I'll cheat unless I decide you're The One" and it puts me right off.
D'you think people are poly because they haven't yet met the "right one" to be mono with or is it a gestalt and you're just built that way and nobody will change you?
That's... horrible. "I'll only be monogamous if you're good enough"?! Holding out some kind of hope for those who really want monogamy and hope they can change their partner? Crazy.
I think you could do poly at a casual level if you just want casual partners. I don't think it has to stop if you fall hard for one person (in fact I know it doesn't).
"Are people built for poly?" ...Good question. I definitely don't think people are doing poly because they haven't found "the one". I detest the idea that somewhere out there is a soul-mate and the one person who will complete you. It's bollocks. I've been in full-blown love more than once, and it didn't need that.
Poly people aren't (usually) having fun while they wait for the right person to come along so they can stop being poly. Personally, I sabotage mono relationships. I focus too much on what the other person *isn't*, and lament the fact that I can't have it in my life. Having said that, if I was as stupidly gone over someone as I was earlier this year, I could probably be mono and they'd be enough. But I was insanely in love, and I happen to know that state of euphoric bedlam doesn't last.
I'm still finding out what I get from poly. There is a lot of the day to day stuff which is immensely reassuring and fulfilling in places where mono left me depressed. On an abstract level, knowing that if someone I thought was really great became available it would not automatically be out of the question is a big freedom. I was not single when I met either of my current partners, and they are both people I've known for years and want as part of my life. Including them feels completely natural. The connections were already there. Denying ourselves that affection would be the crime, especially when it doesn't detract from either and no-one is harmed by it.
If it works for you, then cool :)
The main negative drawback to it that I see (when compared to a mono relationship) is the time management issues and that you must have loads of energy. I'm mono and I sometimes feel like I've barely enough time for just the one relationship. The thought of having more than one relationship on the go at the same time just fills me with dread and makes me feel knackered just thinking about it. I probably shouldn't admit this, but I often feel that the time required for my one relationship gets in the way of all the other stuff I also want to do. However, I think this is just a reflection of my own priorities in life! And probably not such a good reflection on me as a person ;)
The thought of having more than one relationship on the go at the same time just fills me with dread and makes me feel knackered just thinking about it.
You're not wrong :)
Mine are long-distance, which makes the planning more important but takes the pressure off the 'having no time to yourself' issue. But it's a major problem in most poly. And I'm the same about personal time as you are, I need lots of it.
Hi someone from another site pointed me to this, nice article with some excellent myth busting (and a few chuckles for those of us who have been doing this already!) and sooo true about polyamoury not being for commitment-phobes ;-).
I had an article relating to jealousy go up on a new site polyamory.org.uk today and they are looking for submissions, perhaps you should consider sending this.. You can find a link to the one I have done on my blog.
Hi! Feel free to link to this one. I am going to write for other sites once I'm a bit more familiar with what's out there on the net. Which site did you see this on, by the way? :)
I like your jealousy post very much, especially as it says something I've been trying to articulate in my current relationships: if you get jealous, analyse precisely why. And then find out if that's actually based on reality, or if you're assuming something's wrong when it isn't. And work lovingly to get everyone to a place where they can accept things. I have a feeling I'll be pointing people towards your piece for a while :)
2009-07-28 09:49 pm (UTC)
I was aware of this as a set-up but didn't know there was an actual word for it (which thinking about it I really should have) - as far as I'm concerned if everyone involved is happy who gives a monkeys if it's not the 'norm'.
Thank you for putting it all together so eloquently :)
I owe you an email with a bit of a life update! Still on for the 5th though?
5th Sep, I mean. Calendar time indeed!
Damn well done!
I've known lots of poly folk (I used to be in CAW) and I've seen it done Very Well and Insanely Badly. You definitely seem to have your head together and I applaud you for being very clear about how *your* relationships work.
Hubby & I are basically mono now, but our "dip in the pool" a few years back helped our relationship immensely because it made us deal with jealousy and assumptions we might not have otherwise.